The Fox In Me

Gender Dysphoria, there I finally said it
It’s cruel mythological paradox between my soul and body
Like Laelaps the hound that always caught its prey
and the cunning, Canis Minor that she never caught

I tried to escape it, drink, and ignore it away
I stashed it for years underneath my childhood psychosis
Next to my box of tattered bird feathers, acrophobia, and fear of clowns
I even tried hiking it 10,000 miles away from me

On the good days, it’s delicately courageous
Refulgent and vulnerable like a three-legged fox
Defiantly limping away from the hunter’s snare in the crooked dawn

At its worst is the smothering desperation of not being taken seriously
Stuck in a perpetual tug-of-war between awkwardness and my femininity
Spirit fettered inside an anomalous corporeal manifestation
Like my heart and the sound of my wings dragging on the floor

I love wearing things not built to be dirty and covered in grease
Things like perfume, makeup, bells, jewelry, ribbons, and tiaras
Adorned and crowned with the ability to melt hearts
Like my first true love and my mother’s plaintive voice

Growing up, my father hated me playing with Star wars dolls
and writing poetry and baking cookies in the kitchen with my mom
“No son of mine will ever be a sissy girl,” he often warned me

He tried showing me how to change the oil in his shitty, 1988 Ford Taurus
And explaining the intricacies of a shotgun offensive formation in football
But I was thinking about Princess Leia’s white dress and her hair buns

I remember my father’s funeral and all the sadness stuffed in people’s faces
and the fox in me thinking that losing a leg isn’t so bad if it meant being free

Published by subversopus

I am a loveable and squeezable poet and writer. I live in beautiful Oregon with my cat and boyfriend. I love long distance hiking and have completed the entire lengths of the Appalachian Trail (2002, 2014) The Pacific Crest Trail (2012) and the Continental Divide Trail in (2013). Please check out my blog, and my poetry only blog, Cheers and have a kick ass day!!!

10 thoughts on “The Fox In Me

  1. “the sound of my wings dragging on the floor” – sensational. The last line is incredible too, such raw honesty and vulnerability. Thank you so much for sharing ❤


  2. 6what an incredible poem. You capture so much in it, with some amazing phrases. I read a lot of poetry in WP and this is the best that I have read for a long time. Don’t give up. Keep sharing. I’m listening. I just love this poem, and you are helping me to understand. Welcome to WP and thankyou for following me too. Looking forward so much to reading much more from you. Hugs.


      1. You are very verywelcome. Please forgive if I ever make mistakes in typing but I am blind. It can get annoying for the reader, but can’t be helped. I am real glad that I found your work.


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